Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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