i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
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