Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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