So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Randomize
