Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
