so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
