listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
