My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
