Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Randomize
