You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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