Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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