I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
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