Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
