You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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