Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
