Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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