so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Randomize
