I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
