Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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