I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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