I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
