You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize