"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
