my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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