I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
