I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
