I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
