He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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