I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
