u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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