my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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