My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
