mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
