I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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