Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
birth control should be required to get into college
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
