Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
