Can i not drive my cunt home
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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