We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
