This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
