oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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