I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
