I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
