i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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