i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
