Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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