A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Randomize
