Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
