you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
