I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
