I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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