i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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