I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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