Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Randomize
