We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
