Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Is it penis luge time yet?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
