My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
