so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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