i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Randomize
